Hell

 If hell is a loop, one that we've created ourselves based on our own guilt, then I just saw my loop for what it is. I am living it. 

Let's say that if you go to Hell when you die, you revisit the worst moment in your life, the one you can't let go of, the one you feel most guilty about. Then you live it, over and over, for all eternity. And technically you could escape if you forgave yourself or let it go, but with each repeat through the loop, your immersion only increases your pain and guilt. So then how would one escape? 

I'm sitting here in this pile of blankets and pillows, curled up around my computer and my laptop, and surrounded by dirty dishes, crumbs, and empty bottles. Each day follows the same trajectory, and it doesn't matter which state or country I'm in. It doesn't matter if I'm alone or with friends and family. My loop continues to run. 

I set expectations for my life, my day, I set goals and ambitions. I take action towards it, and then I always crumble. I turn to food. I turn to tearing apart my own flesh. I fail. And then I'm full. But I still don't stop. Until I'm sickened and hideous. Mentally and physically. And then I wake up and do it all again. I keep running from it, but you can't run from yourself. And the more I try, it becomes my own self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I am in my own Hell loop. And it is my own. I recreate it every single day. There's no one else to blame. Not the Devil, not God, not you, not anything or anyone. I take full responsibility. 

Extreme Ownership. This word used to have such a positive connotation, yet now it feels like a trap. That's impossible though, an oxymoron. Trapped in extreme ownership. Ha! I feel bitter about it though. 

So where do I go from here? I suppose I've heard of an escape from a Hell Loop before, but it wasn't done alone... Is that possible? This loop that only I can get myself into... shouldn't I be the one who has to get myself out? Or is that the trick? The beauty of it all? I take ownership for my Hell and I then have to share it, show it to someone else so that they can help me... 

But who? That feels like an addition to the torture itself, sharing it. It sickens me. But I'm sickened already just being here. And there's the loop again. 

I want to break free. I will break free. I feel the answer may be in stepping outside my comfort zone. But that's part of what drives me deeper into my own hole, just planning to step outside of it sickens me too. 

So how do I do it? I suppose that's it, I do it. Action.