When I was a little girl, I had this book called "Today I feel Silly." And each page was colorfully illustrated with the minute details of this little girl's life and emotions. I can't help but think of that book now as my emotions are dominating the landscape of my life these days.
But I'm not so sure that's how it's supposed to be. And well, I suppose how it's supposed to be is up to me, but that's a different rabbit hole. Anyway, emotions are not bad, but being caught in one landscape day after day could lead to something bad. I believe I could have more understanding, insight, and strength when it comes to my emotional state. But I've been living an unobserved life perhaps.
Today I feel sluggish, grouchy, sad, anxious, and uncomfortable. But that's not just today... It's been like that for 2 weeks now, or perhaps more if I'm really honest with myself. Much, much more. So when did it start? And why?
I might have an answer to that: Food. And as I've just recently discovered (was that only yesterday, or perhaps the day before) I use food to bring myself joy. When I feel these things, in particular anxiety, and all that is stemming from, I choose yummy, potentially addictive foods. Or maybe it's not the foods that are addictive at all. It's only the habits I formed.
A habit can be broken into three things: a trigger, a response, and a reward. (The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg). Thus my trigger is my "negative" emotions, my response is eating, and my reward is the rush of sugar and fat and carbs, the high, the taste, the distraction.
But now, these processed foods have really built up in my body, being the predominant fuel it gets, and I'm feeling lower than ever after eating, thus eating more and more, since that's my habit. This habit has been going on since I was a preteen if I think back! That's how I developed bulimia, so that I wouldn't gain weight. And then the cocktails of medications helped me kick that "habit" after a decade of purging.
I've been off meds now for coming up on 2 years. I kicked the bulimia and the drugs, but this other habit, or coping mechanism, has resurfaced.
Do I return to prescriptions to aid me with this negative habit? The food I'm choosing to "binge" on as my "response" is hurting me, I can feel it in my body, worsening each day. Is it possible for me to simply "choose health foods in moderate amounts" though? I feel as though I've tried that before.
No, now I need a stronger motivator. a hunger stronger than my stress to lead me in the other direction. In the book The Power of Habit, Charles says that to change a habit you first identify the trigger. Well, that part is done, the trigger is the particular emotion, whether it be sadness, fatigue, loneliness, depression, or anxiety. He then says that you can change the reaction, as long as the reward is the same, or fulfills the same need essentially.
What I'm unsure of now, is how can I get the same reward that food gives me, that's also so easily accessible, but without eating? I suppose some people use nicotine for their own stress response. But replace food with smoking!
I've tried exercise, walking, journaling, chewing gum, drinking tea, calling a friend. But none of those truly scratches that itch. And I've found myself actually eating while doing any of those as well! Haha!
I need to find a healthy response to stress. Or perhaps find a therapist who would actually work with me to understand why I'm feeling stressed. Although, I feel that I already know why. So then, how to resolve the stress? Can I do this on my own? Why does it feels so embarrassing to even consider sharing these intimate details with another human?
Not just embarrassing, but mortifying, attention seeking, fake, lame, scary, pointless, like why would anyone care to hear the depths of my problems with food? Ha!
Thankfully no one reads this, which is why I can open up here. I can see my view count at zero for the past 9 years since I started this blog. So I'm safe here.
However, I won't find any answers here. Only more questions.
