The Solitude Of My Room

What an inspiring phrase. The solitude of my room... a phrase missing from my immediate vocabulary for over a year now. Actually, the literal meaning of it missing from my life for over a year now. The solitude of a corner in Starbucks doesn't bring the same sense of relaxation. For some people it might, for example I am not lying when I tell you a guy sitting in a corner in Starbucks was clipping his nails. He wasn't catching them in a trash can or a plastic bag, they were all flying who-knows-where while he clipped away. If you're curious I usually clip mine in a parking lot, outside of my car, outside of public establishments, outside of inside. Is that really any better I wonder?

I digress. What I am getting at here is that lovely moment of shutting the door to your bedroom and breathing a sigh of relief behind its safety. You can take off your pants, shut the curtains from prying eyes, turn on all your lamps and twinkling lights, read for 16 hours, or stare at a wall. Nobody is watching. You can be alone with yourself. Do I feel this way because I am an introvert? It is a very distant and beloved memory behind my bedroom door. I also recall feeling trapped in my room. I loved it so much it began holding me back from seeing any living creature other than my cat and my aloe plant. My bedroom wasn't very spontaneous, it was full of memories and movies and me. the lesson: everything in moderation. If you love something because it is special then you may lose that love when it becomes ordinary, or even worse, unavoidable 24/7.

Aimless or Intentional?

Food: jolly ranchers and a pre made sub sandwich from Albertsons.

Shelter: the roof and glass walls of a Starbucks

Wifi: thank you Starbucks 3. megabitspersecond wifi

Mental state today is below par (above par?) as in not too good. Having typical existential questions of what am I doing, am I doing it, what do I wish I were doing... all answers are same: I don't know.

Just coasting now. Remembering yesterday when I was so distracted from crushing questions as I spent the day at Disneyland with J-Mann:) The parks (Disneyland and California Adventures) definitely seemed geared for the youngest of crowds, but we found plenty to entertain us all day and night. We rode California Screamin' 3 times. The show on the water at the end of the night was one of he most spectacular things either J-man or I have witnessed to date.

When I Look At You (Personal)

Sometimes when I look at you I love you so much that I am overcome with knowing I could never be without you. 

When you've fallen asleep while I'm driving, and your mouth drops open ever so slightly, but you never snore. 

When you are disappointed in something small and you turn your mouth down into a puppy dog pout so miserably adorable that I want to squeeze you until you feel safe. 

When you are furious with me and you pause your anger to lay my head in your lap.

When you are so tender with me even when I'm not with you. 

When you make sure I'm fed so I don't get hangry. 

When you make silly faces. 

When you won't cross the street until my hand is safe in yours. 

When you rub my belly when I've eaten too much. 

When you tell me something so true about myself that I hate you for it. 

When you are resourceful beyond my limited (stubborn?) imagination. 

When you toss and turn at night, but always manage to keep me close in your arms. 

When you take complete control because of my social anxiety or I'm dissociating. 

When you drive and keep the heat on high for me even though you are sweating in your t-shirt. 

When you give me what I want even though you are tired of hearing my endless list of wants. 

When you don't give me what I want because I need to appreciate what I already have. 

When you talk indepth about yourself and what you've done (because those are rare treasures). 

When you always give me just one sip (maybe 2) of your coffee because I don't want a whole one. 

When you tell me I'm wrong because I am. 

When I look at you and you tell me you love me. 

San Clemente, CA

I left home on the 18 January 2016. I had never seen the East or West coast, and now I've been back and forth between the two various times. I've been avoiding a reflection post, but so much time has passed since my last update that I feel it's necessary (for myself and maybe for you, if there is a you).

I left you guys somewhere in Tennessee, but I went on to California. I now sit in a Target in California, but between this California and last California I went home to Texas for Christmas and I finally experienced Universal Studios Orlando. 

We also visited the Grand Canyon, Carlsbad Caverns, White Sands National Monument, Petrified Forest, San Francisco, Hollywood, Las Vegas, Biltmore Mansion, and everything in between...