Finished the AT

The last time I posted was to recount my desire to quit the trail. It's time I updated my page with the date of our Mt. Katahdin summit: 22 September 2016.

As soon as we reached the top we met up with a guy who offered to drive us to his farm on the coast for a night in a bed and a hot breakfast in the morning (with syrup he collected from his own trees). The following morning we set off hitch hiking down the coast to NYC.

After a few days Couch Surfing we took a train to Jersey and set of with our thumbs out. The next weeks were spread out between playing video games at J-man's mother's apartment, watching all 6 seasons of Game of Thrones, and visiting Dentists and Doctors in DC (where we both have medicaid).

Today I write to you from the other side. The other side of 6 seasons of Game of Thrones... And the other side of the election (Trump?? Really? I voted Bernie in the primaries!). From the other side of J-man at a small table in a truck stop, somewhere, Tennessee. Have I changed? Have you guys all changed? Or do we just convince ourselves that we are, that we will, be different. I don't feel different. I feel lost. But with a few more stories to tell.

The Trail isn't done with me yet

In the small town of Wallongford, VT I've had yet another break down, and convinced myself to quit the trail. J-man and I slept on the porch of the library (a feeble shelter from the rain) and decided to relax here for a major part of the day. I watched the movie Life of Pi and felt inspired for about 2 minutes afterward to continue hiking. Then I began researching perseverance on the Internet. I found myself (not for the first time) on my friend (and past THRU hiker)'s blog https://georgiatomaine2013.wordpress.com/

Here I perused her posts from the end of her THRU hike, basically from Vermont to Maine, and I've somehow decided to push on with my hike. This small town has seen enough of my tears.

Here you see the post office/bank/market/liquor store. Hooray for convenience 

Vermont is wet

And muddy. 

And I've cried a lot. Emotions out of control. J-man and I passed the 3/4 way mark today. My blogging motivations is waning.. Is it obvious in my writing?

Not motivation, but determination

It seems I can't find the motivation for the Appalachian Trail, so now I'll have to push through with determination..

Less than 600 miles. I've just loaded books and music onto my phone. Time for discipline. 

A strange break

Dalton, MA has played host for J-man and me the past 5 days while I recovered from two big ailments. The first, a simple fever and raging headache, took about 3 solid days to get through. The second, a decision to quit hiking the AT, will stick for sometime unfortunately. But as of today I've decided to keep hiking. Would I really have been able to stop hiking when the person carrying my heart would be trudging solo up to Maine?

I know I'd feel extreme sadness when J-man summits Katahdin, and when I'd see the picture I'd think wow I could be done right now too. And then it would really be behind us. And I want that feeling for real. I know that I can physically continue, I just have to mentally let myself tag along.

It has been lovely to relax these past 5 days. I don't even have a hiker hobble to my step anymore!   

Mental clarity?

Yesterday I did not cry. I cry every day at least once usually, so this is worth noting. Why? Could it have been because, while brushing my hair after breakfast, J-man asked me if I would cry that day and I responded with a timid, "no."? 

We slept upon a ridge line by a spring contaminated with metals (predominantly zinc I believe), but since all the coming water was a miles journey away from trail we took our chances.

Our hike that day was only 17 miles, but every step was a variation of rocky. Still no tears from me. Sometimes I'm even hit with what I would classify as mental clarity. A moment where I can see what I'm doing and appreciate it, the struggle, the pain, the journey, the lessons. All I can say is I hope to revel in those lucid moments and get control over my tear ducts and emotions. 

Now here are some images of yummy wild berries

Worried Sick

I cannot get these worries away from my thoughts. What worries? All of the worries! I'm worrying myself sick, insane, panicked. It now comes down to relax or suffer the rest of the trail. Finding mental clarity...

While hiking up a steep, rocky cliff here in Pennsylvania a couple days ago, my mind found strength (to my complete surprise). I recalled a text from my sister in law, Blair, that said "You are a very STRONG soul. I admire your free spirit. Love you!" As this message played in my head I thought of Blair and her strength. I decided then that I would mentally lean on her strength and she would be my personal beacon for that character trait. By the time I reached the top of the mountain I felt ecstatic. Maybe it was the endorphins, or maybe it was imagining strength in someone else whom I admired and then picturing that strength siphoning into me. It gave me something to focus on other than my own weaknesses.

Later that evening a similar event occurred. As J-man and I picked our way through boulder field after boulder field atop this ridge line the word patience came to mind. I immediately thought of my grandmother. Grandma K is one of the sweetest and most patient people I know and I dearly wished for some of her patience to get me through this tedious section of trail. It worked. I now had the strength of Blair and the patience of Grandma K. 

The next day I again found myself picking through boulders, only this time on a narrow cliff thousands of miles above the towns below. Fear and shaking limbs brought me to my butt as I slid down the craggy rocks to ensure my survival on this trek. After a breakdown and some slowing of my rapid thoughts I continued on after J-man through the larger than life rocks. A memory came to me this time in my moment of need. I recalled racing bicycles at night with my brother Joel and the feeling of adventure that he embodies so well filled that memory. I imagined Joel hopping from rock to rock as I was currently doing and what his mentality might be. He would probably be laughing and pushing himself forward to the next challenging step. I leaned on this image.

Assigning a positive quality with a person I know and love gives personality and experience to these otherwise faceless words (strength, patience, adventure). These are all things I'd hope to emulate myself, but feeling like an empty vessel I need to borrow from others in the mean time. Along with those 3 traits, I've also found perseverance in my father, love in my mother, confidence in my sister Shaile, independence in my brother David and his wife Courtney, and growth through pain in my brother Nick. I love and miss my family so much along this trail, but now as I lean on them each mentally, I can send them love with my thoughts as they help me along the Appalachian Trail.

Triple Digits

When I say triple digits I'm not referring to the number of miles J-man and I have walked, but to the miles remaining until we reach Katahden. As we passed 1,189 miles our counted down from 1,000 began. This threshold sprung trail magic (free food) upon us in droves as it happened around the 4th of July. It also brought us to the hospital.

For the past 3 days J-man has been feeling muscle weakness, general fatigue, minor headaches, and fever. As we hit 1,217 miles we decided it was time to see a doctor for fear it might be Lyme disease. I now sit in a chair beside J-man in his emergency room chamber while we are both locked in to the hospital wifi. His blood is being tested and we await his next puncture in the form of a tetanus shot, to be followed by a lumbar puncture (something in his spine), and hopefully results. 

Our journey to the ER was due not to urgency (that we were aware of), but due to his out of state Medicaid. As a new member of the health-care-toting members of society, J-man discovered the only way to use his benefits was for it to be an emergency. I'm not complaining, I got a meal out of it, and a small hiatus from the rocks. 

P.S. I replaced my Altra's with a pair a Keen Neeport H2s. Have not walked any trail miles in these pups yet.

The newbies (0 trail miles)^^

The oldies (750 trail miles)^^

And yes those are Merell inserts, the original ones wore through. 

The oldies (0 trail miles)^^

Half of it

Passing the halfway point on the Appalachian Trail means that the amount of miles we've come is larger than the miles we've left to do. J-man and I have been on the trail just under 3 months now (we started 31 March). My biggest concern at this point is that i am constantly concerned with everything, to the point of crying every day. The hardest part of this trail is dealing with myself, or actually not being able to deal with myself. I seem to have lost all my passion in every aspect of the word. My mood shifts as quickly as the terrain. My journey is to mentally find myself, calm myself. There is no guide on this. 

Harper's Ferry on the AT

In town, sitting around.

Coffee shop, waiting.

Old shoes fading. 

Yesterday J-man and I hiked past 1000 miles on the Appalahian trail, made it into Harper's Ferry, survived our trek on the "roller coaster", and finished a marathon hike in one day. My feet are torn, my body is building up a fresh supply of tears to replace the ones spent yesterday, and I've just finished reading The Jane Austen Book Club. 

Time to replace my Altra Lone Peak 2.5's? Not too far from the halfway point. 

Psychological exercises for the Appalachian Trail

As per my bad mental disposition of late, I've been in search of ways to trigger a change in perspective while hiking. In my search I've found a book by Zach Davis called Appalahian Trials that covers psychological preparation for the AT. He gives an outline for an exercise to use as a tool later if ever in doubt of why you're hiking. He says to ask yourself 3 questions and spend at least 20 minutes on each of the three pondering and writing your answers. Be descriptive, be over-descriptive, these answers will be your tools later on. My answers and the questions are as follows

I'M THRU-HIKING THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL BECAUSE...

•what I'm currently doing isn't working

•I am currently weak and need a crash course in strengthening my mind/body

•I need training in perseverance

•To see a different side of life

•I've wanted to envelope myself in nature

•to detach myself from possessions

•to learn about myself

WHEN I SUCCESSFULLY THRU HIKE THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL, I WILL...

•have persisted through the hardest thing of my life

•have an accomplishment no one can take

•have control of myself

•be a better listener

•be a better learner

•see things from a positive side

•be able to walk into a public place without feeling overwhelmed

•be able to make choices with confidence

•focus on more than myself

IF I GIVE UP ON THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL, I WILL...

•continue being the weak individual I'm unsatisfied with now

•Bare the shame of failing when everyone expected me to do just that

•give up on my relationship with Jordan

•have to go home and start over at a waitress job?

•Start eating more to fill the void

•I couldn't imagine coming back and looking my family in the eyes and saying "yeah, well I tried, but it was really hard. I'm sure you understand" the I-told-you-so's might lead me to suicidal, again

J-man and I at our first hostel stop in Waynesboro, VA

Why am I hiking the Appalachian Trail

...is a question I ask myself every day. Sometimes I have an answer that can push me into the next day, but most days I've been propelled forward by J-man. Finding motivation wasn't a problem to get myself out here, but keeping it is a different story. Actually, I guess it's the same story. That's partly why I haven't adopted a trail name, because I want this experience to be a continuation of my life, not a separate occurrence that I might look back on with either disdain or envy. 

So far what I can say has been my personal motivation is that I want to see what I'm made of, if I can actually do this. So far I tell myself I'm disappointed in my repose, but I'm still out here hiking, and I haven't missed a single step of the trail

J-man on top of Max Patch

Public Library

Today I watched a 3D printer at the library create a bolt for a piano. Yesterday I got up close to a seal at the Smithsonian Zoo. The day before yesterday I examined the bones of dinosaurs, ancient human species, and holocaust victims. We lead a charmed life is what J-man told me the other day, referring to himself and me, and our jobs are to better our psychological state because so many people working other types of jobs for money don't have that opportunity.

J-man and I live in my 01 Honda Civic Sedan. We lie down the back seat to sleep in the trunk at night and then pack up the bed in the trunk during the day. He has food stamps and we both have money saved from previous jobs, but we live a low-demand lifestyle.

The cycle continues: food, shelter, wifi. Does one eventually find a passion or does a trade eventually steal you?

Ocean City

Have you ever heard of a Young Adult series called Ocean City or Making Waves by Katherine Applegate? It's about a group of people right before they hit college spending their last summer in Ocean City, Maryland. There's Kate and her best friend Chelsea and they run into Kate's ex boyfriend, Conner, and immigrant from Ireland, and other characters as well. After reading this series and dreaming of visiting the place for real (the character are fictitious) I am now sitting down after walking up and down the beach over 15 miles with J-man. Killed it.

 McDoubles, ice cream, comfy chairs, and wifi.

Coffee Buzz

Last night I delivered J-man and myself the rest of the way (after he'd tapped out from an entire day of driving) to a Fairfield Inn where we slept comfortably in our car and then shared a continental breakfast with the rest of the guests. We are now in Savannah, GA catching some food, shelter, and wifi at The Sentient Bean. Next stop will most likely be North Carolina to stay the night with J-man's mom, and then it will be D.C. by this time tomorrow. My recap makes everything feel so swift and sure, yet as I experience it I feel soft and empty at times like a dry sponge. All I can do it sit in J-man's hand and absorb as he leads me, and later I process, and eventually relax, relent to today, and enjoy. Will I ever catch up with the moment?

Cuban Coffee Queen

J-man and I come here almost every morning so that he may purchase a hot cup of deep roasted cuban coffee con leche. We place the car in the rocks among the stray chickens to sip the hot beverage and indulge in the free wifi. Our adventures so far have taken us to the top of a lighthouse, coral beaches, the southernmost point, rooftops, old barracks, outside the Hemingway House, street shows, sunsets, and sunrises. We've had coconuts every day, sucked the nectar from flowers, cracked open almonds, chewed on coco plums and sugar cane, and I've even tried some unidentified and disturbing bumpy fruits. I've also peed into the ocean and subsequently dropped my phone forever into its grasp. While living a life by my own terms is exciting and lovely and I'm happier than I've ever been it's not all flowers and sunshine, there are sunburns and tears too. There are those times when every thought I have feels like it's part of an ultimate to do list and I cannot let go of anything crossing my mind. There are moments when I'm still trying to win the approval of my parents. There is the future, which paths to take, the near and the following.. There's communicating with another human that's decided to share their life with me, that I've decided to share mine with as well. The best things is the growth, the learning, the experience, the surprises, the people, the twists, and the strength gained.. Independently and as a partnership.

I'm On a Key

Key West of The Florida Keys at the public library to be specific

Food.. Does maté count?

Shelter.. A place to sit on the front steps

Wifi.. Library is a guarantee 

Faire days are over (for J-man and me) and now we are back in the car and and on the streets of the Keys. 

J-man quit his position and it wasn't taken well by some, so he was told to leave and I chose to as well. Some choice words were said to me that made me realise how easy it is to follow, to slip into a pattern, even if it feels like a liberated situation. What felt and appeared to be a branch off of social norm was a mere copy of structure in a different looking form. Same problems, social topics, addictions, habits, but in a personally attractive skin seems less harmful.. Feeling unhappiness or saying no to a command from someone is a clue that somethings wrong, but when things look so different... Why.. Constant vigilance. J-man is very admirable for always pushing this and also abiding by it. That's where I'm at right now in my processing, but I've got more fog still.

My focus now is to realise that every day doesn't have to have an overreaching goal, and I'm maybe learning how to relax? To go with whatever is happening. I'm not sure I've formed any goals yet.

Purpose

McDonalds

Food.. Sundae (J-man ate most of it, thankfully, as I'm not supposed to have sugar)

Shelter.. Cushy chairs and I just heard a Better Than Ezra song!

Wifi.. Chicka chicka yeah, and a multitude of wall plugs for charging 

An evening of napping, sketching, chatting, and then a walk with J-man to Aldi for some groceries. As we sit here in McDonalds and chat between spurts of individual Internet divulgence I feel a sense of calmness and comfort that's evaded me for the past few days. 

I've been shook up. My thoughts ungrounded, disconnected from all sorts of self contemplation and understanding. Does this make any sense? I dipped down low and got a bit lost, but thankfully found a new way out. Inspiration, happiness, life is what you make it. Communication, love, art in everything. Letting go of who you think you are and letting yourself be who you are. 

Because a caterpillar can't stay a caterpillar forever, as J-man so patiently told me the other night. And feel all emotions fully, whatever they may be, no suppression. 

Signing off from Deerfield Beach McDonalds

Life in a Tent

Food.. not provided by the tent, must go out and forage, in the wild grocery stores and such Shelter.. 5 person Alpine Horizon tent tall enough to stand in at 6ft 2in. with a rainfly that has only let in a bit of water droppage with the incessant rain. Wifi.. nope. not by the trees. But I've found wife at Publix, Super Target, McDonalds, and Walmart thus far. As for right now, I'm at the Broward County Public Library. For the past 6 days now, J-man and I are awoken at 6am by my alarm. I then snooze maybe once for 9 minutes, get up, use the port-a-potty, and then light the lantern to fix breakfast. We've usually gone out the night before for 2 greek yogurts and we've got a Ziplock moisture seal tub for our food items. I can usually coax him out of the covers with a reluctant bite of food and by that time I start the espresso on our Sterno stove/grill/type/thing. By 6:55 we are on our way to the morning meeting in the field with the rest of site crew; once adjourned I take any papers and his tea cup, now void of all but coffee dregs, and I walk home with the rising sun. I've spent this past week organizing, lying down rugs, hanging wind chimes, and other things of that sort. I've been dazedly spending my days at various shops, and losing lots of time along the way to mindlessness, and not to mention money. Have I been filling my now empty days with shopping? It wouldn't be the first time.. Except now I'm not working to recompense my wallet, not yet at least. I've got old habits creeping around this new lifestyle and they don't mix well. Where is my mind? J-man is noticing and he is worried and I haven't let on yet, but as of right now, I'm worried too. What am I to do with myself?

FLARF

McDonalds again

Food.. Egg biscuit with a side of hash brown, and for j-man a small mocha coffee

Shelter.. Tornado warning and rain, so the car is muggy. This we are inside, hence the purchase of food

Wifi.. All day every day, and all night every night

Stepping back to New Orleans for a moment I want to share our last day adventures.. We stayed on a residential street around the corner from a Starbucks in a pretty new-age neighbourhood populated with some millennials and hipsters and New Orleans folk alike. The morning was rough, not going to lie, we almost parted ways. At one point J-man was on the sidewalk, sitting among his bags and clothes, while I sat on the curb, sobbing and ready to quit, by the open-doored car. He didn't leave. I didn't either. In exasperation we somehow ended up in the car with all of his stuff with an understanding that we weren't giving up, and then I asked him to drive. Things have been different since. 

We went to City Park and explored, talked things out, hiked around some trails, snuck into the showers at the tennis club, and then picked up dinner at Whole Foods. We found a spot on a hill in the park and watched the sunset. During our hike we found a post carved with words of peace and we made a cheesy vow and took a pic by it. 

As we were about to leave the park by nightfall a large group had gathered in the distance and upon investigation we were told it was a lantern parade. We re-parked the car and grabbed our lantern (you never know when you'll need one). For the next 2 hours we traipsed through swampy abandoned park paths and woods and over narrow bridges with a hundred other folks dressed in garb with a live band of horns, trumpets, drums and candlelight galore in New Orleans musical fashion, sight, and sound. 

At the end of it all, the tickle fights, real fights, and fights for what we know we have, we left for Alabama. To see whatever we might find together on our adventures.

Signing off from Fort Lauderdale McDonalds

Quickie through Alabama

Whopper wifi at Burger King

Food.. Veggie burger, yeah I got it. Chewy, but veggie and good and warm and thank BK

Shelter.. You know they got a roof, but not 24/7, just a late drive through

Wifi.. Yeah they should have wifi at all locations provided by AT&T! Works for me

Yesterday evening we left New Orleans with a bang, a good one (more details when I've got time), and we drove through Mississippi to Alabama and crashed at a 24hr Walmart. Too far for wifi access. And now we are in FL and on our way to Jacksonville for a quick stop off there. 

Signing off from Bonifay

2 wifi 1 day

Starbucks Food.. Not buying here, looks good, but I've got protein bars from The grocery store!

Shelter.. Not only a roof and temp control, but good tunes and people watching too

Wifi.. Check, and up to speed too

From Walmart J-man and I meandered around the streets in the car while I sufficiently turned us in circles and added stress to our overflowing temper bouquets. The shower at the college was a no-go and my controlling nature mixed with his already grouchy self led us to an immediate fight before we arrived at our destination of Lafayette cemetery #1. The discussion took a turn for the rude, then it got plain mean and tearful (I'm pretty sure they were all on my side as usual) with bouts of silence. Afterward we walked, disgruntled, through the remaining graves as two individuals having decided to leave the relationship behind with the tombs.

Then there was a bit with the bumper hitting the pavement, leaking coolant, a non-nap, a walk to Starbucks, a sit in silence, and an argument about coffee (which I don't even drink). After more silence and tears (the tears are always mine unless otherwise noted) I gazed at the faces and outfits and what I thought were the lives of the people around us, and I sat up, slightly smiling. I would never be the same from this point forward. I would never look at a closet the same, a trunk of a car, a mall.. How much I had changed, even while avidly resisting!

Now the discussion began, at first tensely, about change, about people. I thought I had changed to be unlike the people surrounding us in Starbucks,assuming they all belong as a crowd, but J-man asked if they were really all the same.. Or did they just think that. And if they think they are all the same and I think I am different then what is the difference between thinking we belong here or we all don't, or each of us fits in one moment or stands out the next. "Welcome to duality" says J-man. And all feels calm, and I want him to dj our road trips and navigate and then I lie my head on his shoulder and webboth agree that all is not settled, yet.

Signing off from the Garden District Starbucks

New Orleans: Day 3

Walmart

Food.. Of course

Shelter.. Parking lot for the car aka Bellatrix Lestrange and 24 hour operation

Wifi.. Surprising twist here folks, Walmart has wifi for your shopping convenience!

maybe we'll find a college wellness center to shower in today, for now we are planning our cruise around New Orleans. Then it will be off to Florida I suppose. Signing off from Chalmette Walmart.

Number One

McDonalds. The trifecta.

Food.. and free water (thanks!)

Shelter.. indoor seating during open hours and a parking lot for my car, my boyfriend, and myself to brave the nights.

Wifi.. every location, so many locations, and my data is precariously low.

This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drown the whole world, and while she.. cries her boyfriend questions her, challenges her, entices her to face her own face, and he also sometimes exudes frustration at this almost daily ritual at this point (I haven't cried yet today - have I?) Traveling is tough, living together is tough, traveling together and living together in a car is tough.

Leaving the comforts of home on the evening of 18 January 2016 with J man (my thus far travel partner/lover/boyfriend), the two of us have slept in the Sam Houston National Forest twice, my brother's girlfriend's apartment bed once, and the parking lot of a drive thru McDonalds in New Orleans once. The break from home was not a clean one, nor have all the trailing tendrils and veins been completely severed. So far the weight of the mental, physical, emotional, metaphysical, imagined, and unconscious attachments I left behind (tried to leave behind?) are practically still in my backpack. But this journey is a desire, a want, which makes it a need because if it were to be passed up then it would be regretted in its absence. signing off from Chalmette McDonalds